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alexiswagner

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September 10th, 2009

11:56 am: The long day
I stayed up late stressing about work. I woke up early and spent extra time making sure I didn't look as sloppy as usual. I started work at 7am. The day went multitudes better than I ever could have hoped. I am not doing a shitty job. I'm actually doing a good amount of right. I know people tell me I'm doing great all the time but it doesn't mean shit because no one knows how to do my job better. I have no one I can go to with "well what would you do if x y z?" . I left at 4:15pm to meet a coworker for drinks. The coworkers and drinks multiplied and it was good. Then it was 9pm and I was still there.

Drinking
I always enjoy listening to other people. I really enjoy knowing what it is that's made up a particular person. Even if there was previous dislike- I have a hard time not finding some sort of love for a person that's been made up from some amount of the same things as myself. I know that I can be horrible, and maybe that person is horrible for similar reasons. Maybe they just need whatever it is that I'm missing, and maybe they'll figure it out before I do.
One glass was broken, and the bar closed about the time I was having a half decent conversation with someone I'd never really conversed with. Drinking seems to help anyone along with the words they shoved in their stomach when they were teenagers. I have been drinking a lot lately, socially, for the most part.
I'm torn between being disgusted and pleased. I used to have friends that would tell stories, talk and be happy or talk and be sad with no drinking. I myself am trying my hardest to remain quiet as possible. I hate listening to myself and when I find myself telling someone about this place I went or person I used to care about it's just- ugh. I definitely struggle with alcohol loosening my tongue.

Boys and Girls
are frustrating.
I could elaborate on this but I'll pass for now.

Body Modifications
are hot. No- I'm kidding. I don't have anything pierced. I pierced my own eyebrow with a safety pin several times in middle/high school- that's gone. I have gone through several ideas for tattoos over the years. I told myself if I was ever happy with an idea for more than a year, I'd do it. I wore a ring on my lip for probably two years, and never found the need to make that permanent. I had a lot of different sleeve ideas involving dandelions, but, they kept changing. (I love dandelions in fuzzy form, about as much as I like the stars and the ocean- they are just neat, and things that can make me think for a lot of hours.)
I think during a lull in conversation at work, I figured out exactly what I want, where.
I'm not going to go into it too much, but I'd like to get a white ink tattoo on my upper arm to help cover up a scar (yes, white ink = scar looking, but it wouldn't look like what it does now). I've been avoiding tank-tops since I was 14 or so as a result of this scar- so it's only going to make me more able to feel like a normal person? I don't know. Still thinking on it- but fairly certain.

I'm getting lazy so to briefly touch on the other two subjects;
I don't get enough sleep. I wake up two or more times a night. Sometimes I remember my dreams and they're good or awful- this is unusual for me. I repeatedly have a dream where I knowingly walk into water with my phone in my pocket. This is something I seem to have in common with almost everyone that services the type of phone I have.
I love crawling in to bed at the end of the day and burrowing under heaps of heavy blankets. I hate that I'm starting to associate bed with hours failing at sleeping / waking up at odd times / looking at the clock and being annoyed etc.

12:31 am:

Things to talk about when I am more awake:


. The long day
. Boys and girls
. Body mods
. Drinking
. Tiredness / lack of sleep
. Bed being amazing



Current Location: 34.420327, -119.714791
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September 7th, 2009

01:13 pm:

You ever get to the point in a friendship where you decide you'd like to see if the other person will call you on their own?
Wooo self destructive behavior!

On a different note, I have two people I absolutely consider friends- here. I'm also thinking I should step back a little and not make anyone sick of me just yet.
Also possibly self destructive?
I'm just overly worried?

I don't know. I get the feeling I'll never figure this stuff out.



Current Location: 34.421086, -119.715149
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September 4th, 2009

03:23 am:

I am still feeling blah. I will not trash talk a margarita again. I will also not drink empty stomached again. I don't quite understand how three hours later I'm feeling the same. Turning the lights off for this round of sleep- that should help.



Current Location: 34.421086, -119.715149
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September 3rd, 2009

11:59 pm: P.S. I went the should route, and the shouldn't- but the shouldn't wasn't so bad. Although I learned my tolerance is insanely low when empty stomached. My face hurts from smiling, I wish I was kidding but it really really aches- no joke. I adore my coworkers...
P.P.S. I'm exhausted but can't quite sleep- I used to be a pro at this- what happened?

11:57 pm: Your rocky spine

I love music I can harmonize with because no one will sing with me? Or I will sing with no one?



Current Location: 34.421086, -119.715149
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12:41 pm: I unpacked one of the two boxes left in my living room. Don't be fooled, I still have 10 or so in the second room to go through /trash/relocate/ before renting the room out. The debt that room is causing me is almost worth it. I really, really thought I wanted to live with another person to prevent from being hermit-like etc. Now I'm making breakfast half clothed on a semi-regular basis and wondering if I should have gone for a studio - except, I love having a balcony/oven/living room. So- I've got to clean up the place, finish moving in, blah blah blah- and get a roommate.
If/when I do that, I'll actually be able to put away money again. Maybe.

Debating plans for the evening. I have one 'should do' set of plans, and one 'would really enjoy' set of plans. There's a chance I could swing both, but, the 'would really enjoy' is also a shouldn't do. Plus I'm not sure it's even a possibility.

It's fairly interesting- I think I can tell what's going on by my usage of text messages, before my subconscious even thinks to alert me.

I got to have a nice hour or so long talk with Chris V. As usual, he reminded me that I'm totally blind to social cues. Also, that I should work out/figure out a way to look like I did in high school.

On an aesthetic note, I'm debating hairstyles again. My hair is growing out from the half shaved/boy cut I had going on- aaaaand, it's awful. It pokes me in the eyes, gets frizzy, flips in weird directions and is in general just frumpy/out of hand. I was thinking about shaving my head again, but when that was mentioned to someone, they responded with "I won't talk to you for a month"- So that's out of the question! (I know, since when have I cared about what other people think? Well, recently!)

It's been chocolate-melting warm lately (really, I keep that crap in the fridge now)... So, even though I've decided I want/can deal with a Roborovski hamster, I'm not doing it. It's just *too* hot. I feel the risk of coming home to a baked furball is too high. : \
I do really miss having something around that reminds me things are alive and good- even when I wake up at 3am and everything seems dead.

September 2nd, 2009

01:15 pm: So I guess it's not as easy to take the train to Alaska as it used to be.

So far, I've found- train to seattle, bus to vancouver.
It looks fairly doable, and I'm not sure if this is a by-yourself trip or not- but I'd really like to make it happen.

I stayed in bed until noonish. I was having a dream/thought I was sick- I think that's the only reason I wasn't up at 7am or earlier. I feel ok. I almost think of this place as home- except I still feel temporary etc.

I'd moved the computer to the kitchen table for a night- but I've left it because it's so nice next to the balcony.
My balcony is slowly turning green and I love it.

September 1st, 2009

09:20 pm: One of my favorite people lost his family (dad's) house in the fire. Talking to him about it -I feel like I did when ____ almost died, when I lost everything, when __ died, when I found out I couldn't use my hands, when- etc... and my gut just hurts. I cried a good 30 minutes while on the phone and I want to punch something I'm so angry.
Universe, leave me and my loved ones alone for awhile?
please.
thanks.

August 24th, 2009

07:36 pm:

Recovering via a romantic dinner by myself -by recovering, perhaps I mean making myself ill.
I had a nice week away from home, and went to the wedding of a childhood friend. When I say childhood, I mean, pre-k. I grew up half a block away. I have really fond memories of taking apart mcdonalds toy cars ( the kind you pull back and let go) putting playdough in them, and putting them back together with him. I am sure he had some tiny grain in making up who I turned into.
It was a beautiful wedding- I can't say that about a lot of the ones I've been to. It was in his parents backyard (the most amazing backyard I've ever seen- with a koi pond and a pool on a hill and trees with little lights and lanterns and you can see the city a bit far away, twinkling and in general looking much nicer that it is up close. ). I didn't know anyone, really- and all of the guests were paired off, and unapproachable. I didn't feel like drinking, and I was so uncomfortable I left a bit earlier than I'd planned. Everything made me bite my lip and think about what a failure I am- not in a bad way- I know that doesn't sound right, but it wasn't bad.
All the weddings I've been to pinch my heart a little because I always feel one person is so much more in love than the other. I'm drawing conclusions that this may be a reality, and all good pairings are uneven. The heavy weight is passed from side to side and this is what makes a relationship. I could just be paranoid and crazy. I could be rationalizing my crazy away.
I walked across the street (which I was never permitted to do alone) and looked up at my first favorite tree. A great old eucalyptus that didn't quite smell as much like magic as I remembered. I was so amazed that tree leaves could smell so much, or at all, when I was little.
Anyway, seeing two people I care deeply for cry was painful.
I felt stupid for caring so much for people I never talk to or visit . Watching one of the most genuinely good people I know give vows and promises and cry just touched me because I don't think anyone has meant what they've said as much as that person that evening. That was the beautiful part- next to the trees with lights. Watching someone cry the same evening at what I can only guess was a reminder of loss- and not being in a place to comfort them hurt a little.

I guess I appreciate the truth, am pained by the suffering of anyone or thing, have a great lack of social skills, and now, well, a headache.



Current Location: 34.420039, -119.714495
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