alexiswagner

11:56 am: The long day
I stayed up late stressing about work. I woke up early and spent extra time making sure I didn't look as sloppy as usual. I started work at 7am. The day went multitudes better than I ever could have hoped. I am not doing a shitty job. I'm actually doing a good amount of right. I know people tell me I'm doing great all the time but it doesn't mean shit because no one knows how to do my job better. I have no one I can go to with "well what would you do if x y z?" . I left at 4:15pm to meet a coworker for drinks. The coworkers and drinks multiplied and it was good. Then it was 9pm and I was still there.

Drinking
I always enjoy listening to other people. I really enjoy knowing what it is that's made up a particular person. Even if there was previous dislike- I have a hard time not finding some sort of love for a person that's been made up from some amount of the same things as myself. I know that I can be horrible, and maybe that person is horrible for similar reasons. Maybe they just need whatever it is that I'm missing, and maybe they'll figure it out before I do.
One glass was broken, and the bar closed about the time I was having a half decent conversation with someone I'd never really conversed with. Drinking seems to help anyone along with the words they shoved in their stomach when they were teenagers. I have been drinking a lot lately, socially, for the most part.
I'm torn between being disgusted and pleased. I used to have friends that would tell stories, talk and be happy or talk and be sad with no drinking. I myself am trying my hardest to remain quiet as possible. I hate listening to myself and when I find myself telling someone about this place I went or person I used to care about it's just- ugh. I definitely struggle with alcohol loosening my tongue.

Boys and Girls
are frustrating.
I could elaborate on this but I'll pass for now.

Body Modifications
are hot. No- I'm kidding. I don't have anything pierced. I pierced my own eyebrow with a safety pin several times in middle/high school- that's gone. I have gone through several ideas for tattoos over the years. I told myself if I was ever happy with an idea for more than a year, I'd do it. I wore a ring on my lip for probably two years, and never found the need to make that permanent. I had a lot of different sleeve ideas involving dandelions, but, they kept changing. (I love dandelions in fuzzy form, about as much as I like the stars and the ocean- they are just neat, and things that can make me think for a lot of hours.)
I think during a lull in conversation at work, I figured out exactly what I want, where.
I'm not going to go into it too much, but I'd like to get a white ink tattoo on my upper arm to help cover up a scar (yes, white ink = scar looking, but it wouldn't look like what it does now). I've been avoiding tank-tops since I was 14 or so as a result of this scar- so it's only going to make me more able to feel like a normal person? I don't know. Still thinking on it- but fairly certain.

I'm getting lazy so to briefly touch on the other two subjects;
I don't get enough sleep. I wake up two or more times a night. Sometimes I remember my dreams and they're good or awful- this is unusual for me. I repeatedly have a dream where I knowingly walk into water with my phone in my pocket. This is something I seem to have in common with almost everyone that services the type of phone I have.
I love crawling in to bed at the end of the day and burrowing under heaps of heavy blankets. I hate that I'm starting to associate bed with hours failing at sleeping / waking up at odd times / looking at the clock and being annoyed etc.

12:31 am:

Things to talk about when I am more awake:

. The long day
. Boys and girls
. Body mods
. Drinking
. Tiredness / lack of sleep
. Bed being amazing

Tags: via ljapp

01:13 pm:

You ever get to the point in a friendship where you decide you'd like to see if the other person will call you on their own?
Wooo self destructive behavior!

On a different note, I have two people I absolutely consider friends- here. I'm also thinking I should step back a little and not make anyone sick of me just yet.
Also possibly self destructive?
I'm just overly worried?

I don't know. I get the feeling I'll never figure this stuff out.

Tags: via ljapp

03:23 am:

I am still feeling blah. I will not trash talk a margarita again. I will also not drink empty stomached again. I don't quite understand how three hours later I'm feeling the same. Turning the lights off for this round of sleep- that should help.

Tags: via ljapp

11:59 pm: P.S. I went the should route, and the shouldn't- but the shouldn't wasn't so bad. Although I learned my tolerance is insanely low when empty stomached. My face hurts from smiling, I wish I was kidding but it really really aches- no joke. I adore my coworkers...
P.P.S. I'm exhausted but can't quite sleep- I used to be a pro at this- what happened?

11:57 pm: Your rocky spine

I love music I can harmonize with because no one will sing with me? Or I will sing with no one?

Tags: via ljapp

12:41 pm: I unpacked one of the two boxes left in my living room. Don't be fooled, I still have 10 or so in the second room to go through /trash/relocate/ before renting the room out. The debt that room is causing me is almost worth it. I really, really thought I wanted to live with another person to prevent from being hermit-like etc. Now I'm making breakfast half clothed on a semi-regular basis and wondering if I should have gone for a studio - except, I love having a balcony/oven/living room. So- I've got to clean up the place, finish moving in, blah blah blah- and get a roommate.
If/when I do that, I'll actually be able to put away money again. Maybe.

Debating plans for the evening. I have one 'should do' set of plans, and one 'would really enjoy' set of plans. There's a chance I could swing both, but, the 'would really enjoy' is also a shouldn't do. Plus I'm not sure it's even a possibility.

It's fairly interesting- I think I can tell what's going on by my usage of text messages, before my subconscious even thinks to alert me.

I got to have a nice hour or so long talk with Chris V. As usual, he reminded me that I'm totally blind to social cues. Also, that I should work out/figure out a way to look like I did in high school.

On an aesthetic note, I'm debating hairstyles again. My hair is growing out from the half shaved/boy cut I had going on- aaaaand, it's awful. It pokes me in the eyes, gets frizzy, flips in weird directions and is in general just frumpy/out of hand. I was thinking about shaving my head again, but when that was mentioned to someone, they responded with "I won't talk to you for a month"- So that's out of the question! (I know, since when have I cared about what other people think? Well, recently!)

It's been chocolate-melting warm lately (really, I keep that crap in the fridge now)... So, even though I've decided I want/can deal with a Roborovski hamster, I'm not doing it. It's just *too* hot. I feel the risk of coming home to a baked furball is too high. : \
I do really miss having something around that reminds me things are alive and good- even when I wake up at 3am and everything seems dead.

01:15 pm: So I guess it's not as easy to take the train to Alaska as it used to be.

So far, I've found- train to seattle, bus to vancouver.
It looks fairly doable, and I'm not sure if this is a by-yourself trip or not- but I'd really like to make it happen.

I stayed in bed until noonish. I was having a dream/thought I was sick- I think that's the only reason I wasn't up at 7am or earlier. I feel ok. I almost think of this place as home- except I still feel temporary etc.

I'd moved the computer to the kitchen table for a night- but I've left it because it's so nice next to the balcony.
My balcony is slowly turning green and I love it.

09:20 pm: One of my favorite people lost his family (dad's) house in the fire. Talking to him about it -I feel like I did when ____ almost died, when I lost everything, when __ died, when I found out I couldn't use my hands, when- etc... and my gut just hurts. I cried a good 30 minutes while on the phone and I want to punch something I'm so angry.
Universe, leave me and my loved ones alone for awhile?
please.
thanks.

07:36 pm:

Recovering via a romantic dinner by myself -by recovering, perhaps I mean making myself ill.
I had a nice week away from home, and went to the wedding of a childhood friend. When I say childhood, I mean, pre-k. I grew up half a block away. I have really fond memories of taking apart mcdonalds toy cars ( the kind you pull back and let go) putting playdough in them, and putting them back together with him. I am sure he had some tiny grain in making up who I turned into.
It was a beautiful wedding- I can't say that about a lot of the ones I've been to. It was in his parents backyard (the most amazing backyard I've ever seen- with a koi pond and a pool on a hill and trees with little lights and lanterns and you can see the city a bit far away, twinkling and in general looking much nicer that it is up close. ). I didn't know anyone, really- and all of the guests were paired off, and unapproachable. I didn't feel like drinking, and I was so uncomfortable I left a bit earlier than I'd planned. Everything made me bite my lip and think about what a failure I am- not in a bad way- I know that doesn't sound right, but it wasn't bad.
All the weddings I've been to pinch my heart a little because I always feel one person is so much more in love than the other. I'm drawing conclusions that this may be a reality, and all good pairings are uneven. The heavy weight is passed from side to side and this is what makes a relationship. I could just be paranoid and crazy. I could be rationalizing my crazy away.
I walked across the street (which I was never permitted to do alone) and looked up at my first favorite tree. A great old eucalyptus that didn't quite smell as much like magic as I remembered. I was so amazed that tree leaves could smell so much, or at all, when I was little.
Anyway, seeing two people I care deeply for cry was painful.
I felt stupid for caring so much for people I never talk to or visit . Watching one of the most genuinely good people I know give vows and promises and cry just touched me because I don't think anyone has meant what they've said as much as that person that evening. That was the beautiful part- next to the trees with lights. Watching someone cry the same evening at what I can only guess was a reminder of loss- and not being in a place to comfort them hurt a little.

I guess I appreciate the truth, am pained by the suffering of anyone or thing, have a great lack of social skills, and now, well, a headache.

Tags: via ljapp

01:45 am: All blankets deployed

I ate poached eggs with cheese and tortilla chips. It seemed like a better idea.
All the windows are closed and it's still really cold. This is the first time I've worn a shirt to bed in years. I'm going to die when it gets to be winter for real. Or maybe I buy a warmer blanket?

Tags: via ljapp

12:23 am: As if psychic; CB messages me and asks how I'm doing, because I've seemed down. We only exchange Facebook status messages, lately.
I have a nice 10 minutes of distracting conversation and am reminded that no one will replace CB, and few will ever come close to having that sort of friendship. I will always have those memories and I will never have that reality back.
Maybe I was spoiled by the amazing people in my past?

Microwaving a burrito then going the fuck to sleep.

10:27 pm: It's weird to want things. It's weird to want people like they're objects. Sometimes you're just so in love with the idea of being close to a person, or group of people, that it's the only thing you think will make things better. I see girls get like this over a pair of shoes.
You don't have to tell me it's silly- I'm aware.

Anyway... today I thought I had the self esteem/energy/motivation to go out, and then it dissipated.
It started with thinking about how I look- 40 pounds heavier than four years ago. I've had people be interested in me in an aesthetic sense as recently as now- but I just write them off as nuts. Then I got this email that just made me frustrated, and sad. At that point I started feeling like I'm not doing great with workplace stuff.
So I ditched the idea of going out on my own, and planned on a movie with a coworker or three. When it looked like it'd be just myself and one coworker in particular; this coworker started acting odd. Presumably because I'm the opposite sex (that they have little to no experience interacting with?) , but possibly because they just weren't interested in my company as a human being. I really, really hope it was the first one. I'm not sure, though, and I think that's where my brain went south.
So now I'm all upset and it's just so dumb. I built a shelving unit and sustained only minor injuries. I got stuff done that I needed to. By all means I had a productive and good evening. Except I'm lonely and have this awful hole being gnawed through my gut.
I miss my friends so badly. This is probably the second time I've cried for no reason other than wanting desperately to have a good night conversing with someone I'm comfortable with. Screw the conversation, just hanging out in the same room reading, or playing a game, or watching a movie. I'm trying to remember all the nice things people have said about me, but I feel like they just don't count anymore. I'd have to drive an hour to have a shoulder to cry against right now, and that's not an option.

So I'm crying myself to sleep again because I just want someone to say "Hey, I'm coming over and we're hanging out!" ?
That's some fucking stupid retarded shit, yo.

11:59 pm:

I have a horrible earache, jaw ache, neck ache and sore everything else. Spending time with siblings has been good aside from the near fist fights and destruction of my apartment. We picniced on the beach and swam in the ocean. I lay on the sand and between gentle waves crashing and children laughing I hear Jonathan shout "fucker!" from a ways down the beach...

Tags: via ljapp

12:01 am: Things are different/ new, but ultimately nothing has changed.

I did however, have a really good evening. Just a few hours of food/drink with two coworkers (I'm maintaining my self imposed ban on socializing for the most part, making exceptions for the ones that I just like too much).
I don't know, maybe it's a bad thing, but a few of these people, one in particular- just wonderful. In a new city full of the most shitty excuses for human beings-it's hard not to just cherish the good people you do find.

By the way, Santa Barbara is still BULLSHIT in my book. Fuck these people and their $400.00 pairs of jeans. Prove me wrong, city, I dare you, and hope you do.

12:26 am: I'm not sure how I feel about the jay and silent bob cartoon. Additionally, using LJ on the iPhone is only half made of fail. I've had a sore throat for a few days but can't really call out due to amount of previous sick. There are other things going on but my brain is busted.

06:23 pm: Well, that was a weird month. Hello I love you goodbye! Lots of intensity with work, friends, etc... hard and fast, as it were. I've met some great people and lost some this month. Need to work on how much I adore my coworkers (needs to = less).
I drastically changed the hair due to - I don't even know. It's now more like it was three or so years ago. Shaved on the sides and mohawkable. I think Brian hates it.
I've been to the dentist three times this month (once a week by January) . I have the itching feeling I should see about a second opinion. I know my teeth are really bad, but I don't think they ALL need work. Especially because at the first visit a few weeks ago I was told about 5 issues and now there are 12? Also, when I asked about a filling I thought was supposed to be done at the same time as my crown- the Dentist responded "I think we did that last time?". I'm totally confused but have so much on my plate.
Goals for the next week:
• eye exam and new glasses before 2008 insurance money goes away
• make some phone calls about my broken computer
• book hotel for macworld or something? Shit- this one always sneaks up on me, 20something? years of it and it always does.
•New Years cards?
oi oi oi.
I have the strongest urge to catch the next punk show at the Knitting Factory but doubt it'll happen.

Note to self: do not care for people as crazy as you are. They will likely mess your head up.

08:38 pm: I had a chance to finally see (most of, minus twenty or so minutes of intermittent sleeping) Kung Fu Hustle.
I forgot how much I love talking to people and being social on a small scale.
Fuck.
So now I either work twice as hard to brainwash myself into the "I like being alone" mindset, or I have to get out more.
I'm already an expert at brainwashing and not so good at socializing, so, in terms of what is easier, I know how that will work out.

05:04 pm: I seem to appreciate the building that houses the art 40% more than what it contains on a regular basis.
When I saw http://www.ashesandsnow.org/en/exhibition/journey.php in Santa Monica, it was easy to write off. Who doesn't love shit built out of shipping containers?
I'm starting to think, however, that maybe I'm done with all that aesthetic stuff. If I don't move soon, I will surely become a used clothing clad hippy lacking possessions and all care for appearances. I don't want to spend any time here - be it drawing computing or anything - other than sleeping.
You have no idea how this confuses me. I like looking at nice things but don't feel I have the reasons or energy to look nice.
Seeing photos from 1996-2003, I could have dressed a rockstar with all that work I put in to myself.

So, I suppose there is a time and place for things. I went to a coworkers punk show and dredged out all but the spiked collar, really. So do I start getting rid of this stuff- or back in to it? How old is too old when you feel ancient? It seems so ridiculous to hang on to any of it.

10:53 pm: past-times
Tonight I am exhausted. My brain is a broken record glued to the turntable. I keep trying to switch the music but it's just sad.
Chris(tian) and Chris(topher), were my most recent close friends. When I used to have time, when I could use a second brain to mull things over- they were around. Before them there were other people.
When we get older we invest more in the few quality people we find, and less of ourselves are spent on the many.
I feel ancient and unable to share with anyone- yet I continue to belch up shallow half-awake occasional outbursts of rambling life history to people I don't know.

I remember lying in the street with some folks in Connecticut - I want to say it was Dan, Kevin, Eric, and Liz- but I could be wrong. I want to say I remember feeling warm and cared-for and connected, but it could have been the heat rising from the asphalt.

The good talks inside involve something soft or warm; sock with no shoes, a blanket or pillow.
Tyler is a memory that goes with couches.

I still hold little threads of all these people and when I feel like I should pull one I see that I am putting strain on it and it will surely snap. Better to have a handful of string than a handful of nothing. If string is worthless, my hands might as well be empty, and I am at a point where I should tuck and roll.

Remember when you could roll down a grassy hill and not worry about dog shit? I used to walk barefoot when there wasn't glass in the sand. I ate twice as much and was twice as happy and three times as skinny.